Not that I am not grateful.....

I am grateful. Indeed.. but I couldn't help thinking and wondering why am I feeling not appreciated. I could have been wrong to feel this way. I may just misunderstand, but I could tell others look at me with sympathetic eyes. It is very difficult to describe. It is beyond words. I know life has to go on. Many depends on me. I am beginning to look back more nowadays. Reminiscing the moments when I was very much younger. Looking at and analyzing the implications of my own decisions before. How I wish I were stronger emotionally and psychologically so that I could stand up and defend my rights to choose. Well, nevertheless, I admit that everything happens for reasons. I should not regret... I know, but I just need a companion who would accept my fouls and weakness without making fun or intimidating my lack of wisdom sometimes. It hurts so much inside... after all the sacrifices... Of course the sacrifices couldn't be translated into material wealth. They are sacrifices of dreams, sacrifices of youth, sacrifices of times, sacrifices of self satisfaction, sacrifices of self accomplishment, sacrifices of energy and above all sacrifices of emotion. What is left inside me is determination and faith that those sacrifices mention will be paid with heaven. I used to think what would I get in return and why don't I get the same in return after I have given all that I have left in my heart. But not anymore because I have stopped hoping. I very well know what I deserve: I deserve to earn some care, some touch, some smile, some respect, some concern, some hug and probably just a drop of love? if not some?. Am I asking too much. Am I being not grateful? I don't need material wealth. It never excite me and it never will. Think of me as a companion and not a possession. I don't mean to hurt anybody with my writing. I am just pouring out what is going on in my head and in my heart at the point of time when I am typing so that I won't fall sick inside. I may not think this way at other times. Keep it to yourself since revealing your response to me will hurt me even more.


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